The WAAAY Oldies Hour from WZRD in Middle Earth, Broadcast from high atop the White Tower of Ecthelion in the beautiful city of Minas Tirith!
Sponsored by Gondor John's Used Horses - All Nags All the Time, and the New Soldier's Rations Weight Loss Plan!
Stay With Me
(sung to the tune of Let it Be)
When I find myself in Times of Trouble
Mithrandir he comes to me
Speaking Words of Wisdom, Stay with Me
And in the Darkened Caverns with
His lighted Staff he comforts me
Shine on in the Darkenss, Stay with me.
(chorus)
Wizard wise, o Wizard strong
Whether right or whether wrong,
Istari of the ages, Stay with me.
Friend of Hobbits, Friend of Man
Affection he does not Pretend.
Keeper of the Red Ring, Stay with me.
Balrog's bane, he suffered pain
And then in White he comes again
Lead us through the darkenss, Stay with me.
(chorus)
Man of Mystery, Champion of Kings
He out of Darkness, Vict'ry brings
On Shadowfax he leads us, Stay with me.
At last on to the Havens, He
Will Journey on beyond the Sea
Live on in Peace forever, Stay with me.
(to the tune of "Fun Fun Fun" by the Beach Boys)
Well he got some warnings dire
And he's travelin' through the breadth of the land now
Seems he's cloaked all about and not shining;
He looks like an old man now.
And with the orcs right behind him
Goes runnin' just as fast as he can now
He'll have to run run run
'Til the hobbit takes the One Ring away
(Run run run 'til the hobbit takes the One Ring away)
Sar-u-man can't stand him
'Cause he looks nice and rides a good race now
(You have a new face, now you have a new face)
He makes fast marching armies
Look like they're creeping at a slow snail's pace now
(You're ridin' a race, now you're ridin' a race)
All the bad guys try to catch him
But he leads them on a wild goose chase now
(Leave dust in their face now, leave dust in their face)
He'll have to run run run
'Til the hobbit takes the One Ring away
(Run run run 'til the hobbit takes the One Ring away)
Well you knew all along
Rohan's king was gettin' wise to you now
(He thought you had lied, now he thought you had lied)
But since you took his Shadowfax
You've been riding like the wind blowin' through now
(You really can ride, now you really can ride)
But he can come along with you
'Cause you gotta a lot of things to do now
(He's ready to ride now, he's ready to ride)
We'll have to run run run til that hobbit takes the One Ring away
(Run run run til that hobbit takes the One Ring away)
We'll have to run run run til that hobbit takes the One Ring away
(Run run run til that hobbit takes the One Ring away)
(repeat 6x with high pitched "oooos")
(to the tune of John Denver's "Grandma's Feather Bed")
When we had hobbit meals, o boy,
Just piles of food on the floor!
We used to invite Gandalf of course,
Every week-end or so.
We'd chicken pie and country ham
'N homemade butter on the bread,
But we ate everything but Gandalf's horse,
So Gandalf's never fed.
We were three feet high and three feet wide
Fat as some jelly rolls,
As we ate from the cupboards our forty-'leventh piece
And slurped all the soup in the bowls.
We'd eat eight loaves 'n' four hot dogs
And a piggy we stole from the shed.
We liked to talk and we ate a lot of food,
But Gandalf's never fed.
After the supper we'd sit around the fire,
Taking time to nibble and chew.
Gandalf'd talk about the farm and the war,
And Sam'd sing us a ballad or two.
We'd eat more helpings and feed the fire,
Till the cupboards' food was fled;
Next thing we'd know we'd wake up in the morning
All a-ready for a breakfast in bed.
He was six feet high and one foot wide,
Thin as a twiggy stick.
He was kept from his dinner for forty-'leven days,
We didn't even leave him a lick.
He'd beg and whine 'n' wait for hours,
Even tried to hide food in his bed.
He wasn't quick enough, and he didn't get a bun,
So Gandalf's never fed.
Well we love our eggs, we love our meat,
Love mushrooms and muffins too,
Eat fish 'n' buttered biscuits, salad with some croutons,
We even ate Ragu;
But, ol' Gandalf has his hat and staff,
We guess it ought to be said,
That he'd trade them both plus his horse for some food,
'Cause Gandalf's never fed.
He was six feet high and one foot wide
Thin as a danglin' string,
He a-tried for the platters some forty-'leven times,
But his grabs still didn't get a thing.
He'd tried eight forks 'n' four big plates,
And a rake he found in the shed;
He didn't get much food but he found a lot of crumbs -
Poor Gandalf's never fed.
(To the tune of "She's Always A Woman To Me" by Billy Joel)
He could kill with a smile, he can wink with his eyes.
And he can ruin your plans with his sudden goodbyes.
And he only reveals what he wants you to see.
He has a long beard, and he's always a wizard to me.
He can lead you to home, he can take you all over.
You can tell him the truth, but he'll always know more.
And he'll use situations; he'll talk with the trees.
Yeah, he carries a staff, and he's always a wizard to me.
Oooh, he takes care of us all.
He can wait if he wants, he's not aged by this time.
Oooooh, and he never gives out, and he never gives in,
He just changes his mind.
And he'll promise to help if you'll follow his leading
And he'll sharply rebuke you, but help if you're bleeding.
But he'll bring out the best and the worst you can be.
Pointy hat on his head, he is always a wizard to me.
Hmmmmmm Mmmmmm Hmmmmm Mmmmmm
Oooh, he takes care of us all.
He can wait if he wants, he's not aged by this time.
Oooooh, and he never gives out, and he never gives in,
He just changes his mind.
He is frequently kind, though he sets all the rules.
But he can do as he pleases, he's nobody's fool.
And he can't be removed til he leaves by the sea.
Then the most he will do is blow smoke-rings at you,
Yes he's always a wizard to me.
Hmmmmmm Mmmmmm Hmmmmm Mmmmmm
Pipeweed Wizard
(Sung to--yep, you guessed it--Pinball Wizard.)
Ever since I was a quartling
I've smoked everything that's hot
From Blueleaf to Old Toby
I must have smoked the lot
But I ain't seen nothing like him
In any halls of kings
That old, tall and grey dude
Sure blows a mean smoke ring!
He shuts out the world around him
Becomes part of the pipe
Forms flawless clouds and ovals
With any brand or type
His breath is so controlled that
he can even smoke and sing!
That old, tall and grey dude
Sure blows a mean smoke ring
He's a pipeweed wizard
Can blow a mighty gale
Pipeweed wizard
Got such a smooth exhale
How do you think he does it?
I don't know
What makes him so good
He's a pipeweed wizard
He's on some powertrip
Pipeweed wizard
Blows such a perfect ship.
Oh, Pilgrim Grey (Sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree)
Oh Pilgrim Grey, Oh Pilgrim Grey, You've fallen, now who'll lead us?
You battled with shadow and flame You're gone, we'll never be the same
Oh Pilgrim Grey Oh Pilgrim Grey You've fallen, now who'll lead us?
*************
Oh Pilgrim Grey Oh Pilgrim Grey You've fallen, now who'll lead us?
The fellowship's unsteady now But we'll go on, some way, some how
Oh Pilgrim Grey Oh Pilgrim Grey You've fallen, now who'll lead us?
Gandalf the Wizard (tune of Frosty the Snowman)
Gandalf the Wizard, was a jolly wizened bloke.
With a pointy hat and a wooden staff,
and a long grey travelling cloak.
Gandalf the Wizard, died at Moria they say.
Well he had to go, but his fans all know,
he came back again one day.
There must have been some reason that
they sent him back to fight.
For when he showed up in Fangorn,
he was dressed up all in white.
Oh, Gandalf the Wizard was alive as he could be,
and his friends all say, he kept foes at bay,
and protected you and me.
Gandalf the Wizard knew he couldn't stay for long,
they just sent him back, to put things on track,
and to help right Sauron's wrong.
Down to Edoras, with a white staff in his hand,
riding to and fro, squashing every foe,
to keep free the Rohan land.
He led them forward, with blazing sword,
and helped them win the day,
he wouldn't stop his fighting,
till the orcs had gone away.
But, Gandalf the Wizard was not done quite yet we know,
he headed down the tracks, riding Shadowfax,
to save Gondor from its woes.
Bumpitty, bump, bump
Bumpitty, bump, bump
Hey look at Gandalf go!
Bumpitty, bump, bump
Bumpitty, bump, bump
Vanquishing every foe!
Ode to Gandalf (To the tune of 'The Beverly Hillbillies')
*The curtain opens to a jug player blowin' in his jug, the hobbits jump out in their most rustic clothes*
Come and listen to a story 'bout an Istari named Gandalf, The poor wizard barely kept the Dark Lord dead. Then one day he was out in Hobbiton, He found the Ring in possesion of Frodo Bagg-ins! Frodo: That's me! Well, next thing you know, Gandalf's on an adventure, The fellowship said, "Gandalf, move away from there." "Out helpin' others is the place ya oughta be." So he hopped on Shadowfax and he rode to Cormallen. A battle, that is. Orcs. Pippin: Lots of 'em. He's Gandalf!
*the entire Fellowship comes out on stage. However, the stage is very cheap, only being fit for the Friday night Happy Hour and Fiddlin' Band and they all fall to the floor as the jug hits a sour note. The crowd claps in amusement and the curtain falls.*
A tune for Gandalf
(To the tune of "This Old Man")
Gandalf was, a great hero
He saved them from the evil foe
He sent the Balrog way down below
Gandalf they will miss you so.
Parody for Gandalf & the Fellowship
(To the tune of "We Will Rock You")
*stomp stomp clap. stomp stomp clap*
We will we will rock you!
*stomp stomp clap. stomp stomp clap*
We will we will rock you!
Buddy, you're a young hobbit, strong hobbit.
Gonna make it somewhere in Middle Earth someday!
Ya got mud on your face,
Ya big disgrace.
Kickin' your ring all over the place, sing it!
We will we will rock you!
We will we will rock you!
Buddy you're a cool man, wise man.
Think you've made it somewhere but just want the Ring!
You got blood on your face,
Ya big disgrace.
Waving your royalty all over the place, come on!
We will we will rock you!
We will we will rock you!
Buddy you're an old wizard, hard wizard.
You've helped lots of people get through!
Ya got wiseness on your face,
Ya big disgrace!
Talkin' bout Saruman all over the place!
We will we will rock you!
We will we will rock you!
*stomp stomp clap. stomp stomp clap.*
Must Be Gandalf
(To the tune of “Must Be Santa”)
Who's got a beard that's long and white?
(Gandalf’s got a beard that's long and white)
Who makes fireworks in the night ?
(Gandalf makes fireworks in the night)
Fire at Night, beard that's white
Must be Gandalf Must be Gandalf
Must be Gandalf, Gandalf Grey
Who fears Moria‘s depths with dread?
(Gandalf fears Moria‘s depths with dread.)
Who wears a pointy hat on his head ?
(Gandalf wears a pointy hat on his head)
Hat on head, Moria dread,
Fire at night, beard that's white
Must be Gandalf Must be Gandalf
Must be Gandalf, Gandalf Grey.
Who's got a really grouchy look?
(Gandalf's got a really grouchy look.)
Who calls Pippin “Foolish Took?
(Gandalf calls Pippin “Foolish Took”.)
Foolish Took, Grouchy look
Hat on head, Moria dread,
Fire at night, beard that's white
Must be Gandalf Must be Gandalf
Must be Gandalf, Gandalf Grey.
Who tells the Balrog, “you can’t pass”?
(Gandalf tells the Balrog, “you can’t pass”)
Who falls into a deep crevasse?
(Gandalf falls into a deep crevasse.)
Deep crevasse, You can‘t pass,
Foolish Took, Grouchy look,
Hat on head, Moria dread,
Fire at night, beard that's white,
Must be Gandalf Must be Gandalf
Must be Gandalf, Gandalf Grey.
Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Gimli,
(Arogorn, Legolas, Pip, Merry.)
Fellowship broke, it’s no joke,
Deep crevasse, You can‘t pass,
Foolish Took, Grouchy look,
Hat on head, Moria dread,
Fire at night, beard that's white,
Must be Gandalf Must be Gandalf
Must be Gandalf, Gandalf Grey.
(To the tune of the old gospel hymn "I love to tell the story" )
I love to tell the story
of Gandalf Mithrandir
of his love for hobbits
and the southfarthing leaf!
he went on a fatefull quest
to help destroy a ring
but when he fought the balrog
no longer could he sing
I love to tell the story
of when he finally fell
everyone was saddened
a lament they could not tell
but one day he came back
not gray but oh so white
he came back to help them
and get rid of Saruman!
